is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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