Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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