There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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