You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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