I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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