So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
