I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
