Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
