Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
