I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
