Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
