You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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