im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
