The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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