i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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