in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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