so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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