honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
