I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
