We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
