I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
