as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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