I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
