Are we in a gay sports bar?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
