just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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