I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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