i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
