Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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