i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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