I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
