You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Success! We fucked roommates!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
