Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just pee around me
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
