The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
