I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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