I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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