Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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