end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
