I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
