see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
