I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
