Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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