If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
