Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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