Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He passed out mid-signature
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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