just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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