Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
