I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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