a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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