maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize