Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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