The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
