Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
