my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
