i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
