Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
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