Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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