Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
