I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have fence marks all over my body
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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