Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
