2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
