So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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